Putting the Fun in Funeral
I remember the first time I went to a Funeral. I didn't even know the guy, but once we were in there it sure got depressing as hell. Everyone was crying and all, and I don't think I even really realized what was going on until I saw the open casket up at the front of the room. I was only seven, and I didn't really remember much what my mother had told me earlier about where we were going. The only thing I'd noticed was that I had to dress up in this corny outfit that was suppose to make me look nice and was itchy as hell.
When I did notice I was at a funeral, I didn't freak out or anything. I just was sort of transfixed by the fact that there was a dead body in the room. I also noticed that the decorations for the event were real lousy, they really were. Even though someone had died, you'd think it was still sort of nice to have the place dressed up a little. No kidding, there was probably only four black ribbons for decoration, two by the front doors and two on either side of the casket. The management probably were penny-pinching bastards and just threw something up to make it look like the weren't total cheapskates. I hate people like that, I really do. They're the sort of people that stop to worry if their minutes will go over before calling 9-1-1 to help a guy that just got hit by a car. I just hate those kind of people.
Before I had the guts to go look at the dead guy I decided to go see if there were any sort of refreshments. It's not that I didn't care about the guy or anything, I was just more hungry than I was curious. I was beginning to feel pretty lousy, what with the people crying and all, so I figured that'd be best anyways.
What really freaked me out was when I found that the refreshments we right next to the casket. That seemed sort of gross to me. I mean, who puts food by a corpse? One of the screwballs that worked here, I figured. By that time I'd decided that the people who worked here were real morons. They didn't give a damn about this dead guyTo them it was just a profession. Anyways, I started picking through the refreshments, since most of the things out weren't things I liked. It's not that I was picky or anything, I just had a particular range of things that I preferred to eat. First thing I tried was some cheese on those little crackers, the kind of crackers that you see in health food stores or something. You know, the ones that have speckles of different shades of brown and that say organic on the front of the box. They're no different than any other damn crackers, I figured. They just tasted like crackers to me. So after I'd stocked up on those, I found the desert dish, and boy was that piled high with all kinds of store-brand cookies and all. The cookies looked almost just like the leading-brand ones, except they were cheaper and tasted like cardboard. That was another indication that the morons who ran this joint were real phonies. Even the flowers in the vase on the table were fake. I mean, how corny can you get?
As I was trying to choke down one of those store-brand cookies, I over heard one of the old ladies by the casket talking to here friend. He was such a nice boy... always looked out for other people... Always lent a hand where he could...such an angel. Yeah, that killed me. I remembered that while we were in the car, my mother kept going on about what a jerk he had been. He had apparently been suave as hell, a real sexy bastard and all, until he got rejected or something by some girlfriend and stabbed himself to death. I thought that was stupid. Who would kill themselves over a lousy girlfriend? Anyway, the old lady was making him out to be a real prince and all, so I decided I'd go and take a look at him.
First thing when I got over to where the casket was open I noticed his eyes weren't completely shut. That was what scared the hell out of me, it really was, seeing those cold as hell dead eyes. You could even tell that they were blue. Not just blue, like normal eye color blue, but like sapphire blue. The kind of blue that makes you think of those picturesque oceans on the cover of cheap romance novels. A blue that sort of reminded you of those sharp icicles that hang off the roof in January. Those were the kind of blue his eyes were. He had icy sapphire blue eyes, and I could see them.
I suppose he was pretty decent looking, but I didn't get to notice that at the time because I was too busy crying and running back to find my mother because the dead guy was looking at me. I couldn't help it though, it was scary as hell, it really was. Turned out his eyes were shut and I was just hallucinating, but it made for a pretty entertaining story afterwards anyways.